Sugar is a performance enhancing drug, especially when it comes to comedy. One of my best performances involved huffing Pixy Stix dust and running around a party stark raving sober.

That energy isn’t sustainable. If sugar were a firework it would be those “flowers” that spin around, change colors and then lie on their side and die.

I need protein every three hours like a hot house flower that needs spritzing. Last night I was the headliner and knew I didn’t have enough food. I know when this happens because my brain feels further away than normal. I’m grateful my friend Jerry Goldstone ran out the back of the venue and handed me turkey sandwich in the alley. I gobbled the meat and left the bread like a gluten free vulture. It was a great show.

I have enough sense not to try going without sugar AND carbs. The process of going “low carb” really does feel like the “paleo flu”. It’s like getting off goofballs. There should be a place you can go to lie on a cot, far away from carbs and people who could be hurt by your words. Carbs and sugar release serotonin, happy happy fuzzy time feelings. When you first try to cut down on them, there’s simultaneous weakness and anger. Essentially you’re too weak to kill anyone. So, I’m not doing that this time. You’re welcome, America.